Choking

Choking

As we come to grips with our own selfishness and stupidity, we make friends with the impostor and accept that we are impoverished and broken and realize that, if we were not, we would be God. The art of gentleness toward ourselves leads to being gentle with others -- and is a natural prerequisite for our presence to God in prayer.” 
― Brennan Manning, Abba's Child: The Cry of the Heart for Intimate Belonging

“To choke.”  Its definition includes words such as inability to breathe, airway becoming obstructed, movement becoming restricted or impossible….

  My mother did the Heimlich maneuver on me many years ago after she saw I was choking on a piece of a Twizzler.  That was a scary moment indeed! She and my sister, Leslie, were in the kitchen with their backs to me; we had all been laughing about something and then I started choking on the candy in my mouth.  I began to stomp my feet and bang on the table with my hands because I could not make any noise with my voice.  My mother turned around and quickly leapt into action and saved my life. 

Today, not only this story comes to mind when I hear the word, but daily as I walk through my many flower beds.  I keep an eye out for those pesky weeds that love to creep silently along the stems of the fragile flowers growing.  They grow by the dozens and are quite crafty and seem to know exactly which direction to grow.  I’ve seen a small weedy vine trail along for a few feet before reaching a certain bush or flower.  Then it grows up the stem and gently, at first, wraps itself around the stem until it grows all the way up around the flower at the top.  Over time, if not noticed, it will choke the life out of the flower and kill it altogether, then move on to the next victim.   I was looking at my Clematis recently and starting noticing that there was a slight difference in the color and shape of the leaves and vine growing there.  Besides the original plant, there was also a giant weed and it was choking the life out of the real plant!  It was very deceiving.  It was also very difficult to remove; difficult to tell the difference between the real plant and the weed.  I wondered at times if I was ripping part of my real Clematis away instead of the weed.  I remained hopeful as I tore most of it away and decided to start with just a few tendrils at the bottom that I knew were authentic.  I would rather start over fresh, instead of end up with a trellis of weeds later.   

I can’t help but see the spiritual parallels here.  There are many things creeping along and wrapping themselves around us, just waiting to control and choke the life out of us.  Those things can even be good things!  There has to be a balance sought in how we choose to spend our time.  I find myself continually in rebellion to the things that seem to keep me in chaos.  These are good things that I am doing, things that are helpful, things that benefit those around me, they are also things that could easily consume me and eventually choke the life out of me.  This is not the abundant life we were called to live.  There has to be courage to say “no”… even to good things.  Continually being in motion…..this cannot possibly benefit anyone in the long run.  There has to be time to examine our hearts, what we are doing, why we are doing it.  There is only one me, there is only one life on this Earth that I have been given.

Ephesians 5:15-17New International Version (NIV)

¹⁵ Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, ¹⁶ making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. ¹⁷ Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is.

Oh how I wish I could say I have perfected this!  But I’m going to be real with you.  I struggle with finding balance.  I struggle with always wanting to finish everything perfectly, getting all the ducks lined up, getting the details straight.  Not just for the sake of the work itself, I see the purpose behind it.  I care deeply about what I do.  I also miss out on other things because I get wrapped up so much in the details.  I’ve been praying more on this subject.  Or should I say, He’s been bringing it more to my attention.  When I get super busy, I lose out on the relationships around me, and frankly, I lose out on the relationship that my Father longs to have with me.  No one wins here.  Not one.  I get tired, I get cranky, I start looking at things in the wrong way, getting too critical, etc etc etc.  The list goes on and on.  Then when my guard is down, boom, something happens, and the negative self talk begins.  Instead of knowing and believing who I am in Christ, I am confused and tired.  Has this happened to anyone else?  I need to keep working for my Lord, yes, but I also need to not forget that I want to know Him personally, and He wants to know me too. 

 Sometimes it takes stomping feet and banging on tables to get our attention, to bring us back to where we need to be. Weeds will silently climb around our lives and begin to get a grip on us and before we know it, we feel paralyzed and out of breath.  It will be difficult to tell who you really are in Christ.   The imposter is very eloquent in his ways, in deceiving you; making us feel inadequate, useless, worn.  You begin to lose just pieces of yourself at first, then yourself entirely.  Just as my Mom quickly moved to action, our Abba is quick to take action when we ask for His help. He furiously longs for us to seek Him first, talk to Him first before we allow the deluge of details to take over in each of our days. 

Yes, we are to do good while we can do it.  Yes, we are called to love our neighbors.  Yes, we are called to be servants to our fellow human beings, as well as take care of our animals around us.  But we also are called to be in communion with our First Love, our Creator, our Savior. 

So, yes.  I rebel the whirl wind that swirls around me.  I love what I do, I love my community, but I must love my Lord first and take time to savor my time with Him, then I can serve those around me even better.

There will always be something out there that needs to be done.  Someday, I will stand in front of the One who made me and account for my time.  I pray that it will show well served.  I also pray that the person standing in front of me will not be a Beautiful Stranger, but Someone I have been cultivating a relationship with my entire life. Someone that says, “Welcome Home,” instead of “I don’t know who you are.”  I want to be consumed by Him first.  Everything else second.  It just makes sense.  It moves me from the thought of just doing good things, to more of who Christ is transforming me to be.  It is a much more authentic way of being. 

So today, I am not advocating selfishness, but I am advocating self care.  Do a spiritual check.  You are the only one who can do it for you.  Are you choking?  Do you feel like you can’t breathe?  Are you consumed with the things going on around you….even good things?  Take time to find some balance.  Reconnect with the One who has your personal best at heart.  Proclaim the Light, live in the Light.